What Is A Strong Woman?
We hear about her all the time. We read about her on social media after she built up the courage to leave an abusive a relationship. We hear about her on the news when she acquired the title of CEO in a man’s world. We talk about her in the pub with our friends when she didn’t let a tough sporting competition defeat her.
I always wondered what achievement would define you as a strong woman, until my own strength was challenged, and I became disillusioned with the phrase during the times strength was what I needed most but escaped me as the nights drew longer without time to recharge for the fatigued days ahead.
I was days away from facing the man who sexually assaulted me in court. The court date was set six months prior. Six months of preparation for one very important day. Six months of memories not allowed to leave your mind. Of course, the six months do not include the actual assault, nor the trips to the police station. The months fighting with your own emotions not wanting to face a legal battle because you know the fight of it might break you.
It took me two months before I went to the police for the first time, following the assault. I left the station exhausted that day and thought to myself that I will just leave it be. Forget and move on. I did not feel I inhabited the strength to talk about it again.
It took me another six months to go back to the police station and then to court two days after to apply for a safety order. And there I was now 14 months later still forced to deal with the assault as though it happened yesterday. Days away from stepping into a room with the person who terrorised my mind and body. A room in which the truth is not assured to be considered. A room which I might leave defenceless, in despair.
I never knew strength until I was forced to be the strongest version of myself.
There had been so many times I questioned women. Why did they not report their abuser? Why did they let him get away with it? I couldn’t make sense of it, and in my own ignorant way of viewing such an ordeal, I judged the women for not taking their own power back by holding their assaulter accountable!
I was wrong. You don’t feel powerful when questioned by the police.
You don’t feel powerful when your solicitor warns you about the fact that with all the proof you may have, there is still a possibility he might just get away with it.
You don’t feel powerful talking to your friends about what is ahead of you, even though they will tell you how proud they are of you and how important it is what you are doing. They will insist that regardless of the verdict you will walk away knowing you fought. You fought for yourself.
You don’t feel powerful opening your Twitter account and reading news of another woman having been assaulted, or worse, murdered.
In fact, you feel completely helpless. Helpless in not knowing how this will end, and an ending was all I longed for at that stage. I yearned for a conclusion so I can finally begin to focus on myself only and start the healing process.
The thing is, anticipating a court date, knowing you will see the someone again you learned to fear does not give you time to heal. He has the right to question you and you are trying to figure out what his questions will be? How he will distort reality and try turn the truth into a believable lie. The experience continues to live in your every thought. Every night. Every day. And no matter how hard you try to shake it even just for a moment, it won’t allow you the most important factor in recovery and that is trying to process it all in your own time.
I spent the months leading up to court unable to catch a full night’s sleep. On edge during my days. I had started isolating myself from friends because my thoughts were too overwhelming and too exhausting to socialise. Every morning I would tell myself I will call it all off. I won’t go through with it. I craved to think about something else just for one day. I questioned why I would still leave the assault alive in my thoughts when in court I might not even be believed. Why would I endure this psychological torture when I already struggle with the assault itself? I could just remove myself from it all. Let him get away with it. That way I could start focusing on myself and stop focusing on him.
I used to judge women not reporting their assaulter. I now understand them. I know a strong woman does what is right for her. There is strength in moving on, and there is strength in facing your worst nightmare and that is something no one should be urged to do. No woman’s strength should be defined by what she did or achieved, but how she dealt with it to her best ability.
What is a strong woman? Every woman I know!
And on a personal note, if you are going through something similar as myself — please know you are not alone. We victims are told this all the time, yet at the same time we meet questioning eyes.
I promise you; I hear you. I see you. I believe you. It was NOT your fault. You are my hero! ❤
