An Open Letter

to my abuser…

I was thinking about you the other night. In fact, thoughts of you creep into my mind most nights. And as I laid there in tears once again I was wondering whether you are inundated by thoughts of me during sleepless nights as well? Is your mind troubled by our experience too?

Do you remember when you pinned me down on the cold hard floor, your hand wrapped around my mouth and nose, robbing me off my breath? You were threatening me with my life, telling me I was a stupid bitch, and no one would miss me if I were gone. You were angry because I said something you didn’t like. Do you also gasp for air when that memory involuntary becomes again a part of your present?

When I was cooking dinner for your brother and his girlfriend and we got into a fight about something or nothing, before their arrival, do you recall the moment you pushed me so hard that I lost my balance and fell to the floor, hurting my arm? I got back up, wiped the tears from my eyes and continued cooking, practising my smile for our houseguests. When you prepare a meal today, do you at times feel your arm hurting again and you kneel down to the floor tearing up, physically hugging the past memory of a broken-down woman?

Do you recall when we were out socialising and you whispered insults into my ear because you didn’t like how I presented myself? Have you also ever needed to practise a smile at work or at social gatherings when really you just desperately wanted to hide?

When your work colleagues, boss, family members or friends today give you criticism — do you also charge right back to the time your self-esteem was robbed from you because you once learned that you are nothing but an imbecile and completely useless?

If you watch a movie and when a scene comes on of a man hitting a woman, do you also immediately freeze and feel those punches rushing back?

When someone today even ever so slightly raises their voice, do you instantaneously burst out in tears due to an anxiety-driven understanding that a shout could turn violent?

Have you been in love since? Did you stand before that person and although you really adored them could not break free from those chains tightening your every inch of your body? Did you look that person in the eyes and worried if one day they will hurt you so much that you can’t bear living anymore?

When you sleep beside your partner today, are you cupping your crotch because you are scared you will be awoken with hands violating your personal space?

When you see a man walking with his hand in a cast, do you also sometimes ponder on whether he broke that hand on a woman’s body like you did?

Do you remember when you claimed I am unlovable and only good to have sex with? Do you still believe that to be the truth today? I believed you.

When you enjoy a night out with your friends and the topic of conversation turns to past relationships and people whom I’ve never told about our truth make fun of my not being able to hold down a relationship, do you also need a moment to compose yourself to then share in with the laughter whilst you hate yourself a little bit more every time for not speaking up?

Were you ever scared that I would tell the world who you really are, or did you know I was too weak to continue a fight? Did you break me to achieve as much purposely?

When you read social media posts in solidarity of Domestic Abuse Victims & Survivors can you relate empathetically to their debilitating agony? Do you feel responsibility?

Do you ever think of my daughter? And this hurts me the most. Do you ever think of her and if you do, do you also feel guilty for having deprived her of her innocence? Do you detest yourself for having put a defenceless child into this situation? I really hope you inhabit at least that much sympathy for another human being. It wouldn’t make it better, but it would make a difference.

To my Abuser,

when you read this do you see yourself and know you have caused someone a lifelong suffering? Do you feel guilty? Because when I was lying awake the other night I was wondering about how our story affected you. Were you able to just move on?

You were so brave when you used your words and hands against me, will you be so brave now and take accountability? Speak up, don’t be the coward you have been since I left you because it’s not a victim’s obligation trying to right your wrong. It is yours! And yours alone!

Sincerely

Your Survivor!